Apologizing to our Kids

I'm just gonna say it. My kids are awesome.

We put a lot of time and effort into raising them. A lot. And it often shows. People stop us all the time to tell us how great they are, how well behaved and polite they act and how they sit still and stay quiet during church services or in waiting rooms. Stay with me here, I'm not bragging. There's a great point to this story.

I'm approached often for parenting advice or tips, and every time I tell people, "You need to be looking somewhere else."

Yes, my kids are well behaved. Yes, it's because we taught them to be. And, YES, it took (and is still taking) A LOT of work, A LOT of time and A LOT of effort. BUT, that doesn't mean I'm the mom you need to be looking up to. Not that you could "look up" to me anyway... since I'm only 5ft tall... I digress...

Here's my point. It's nice that people are always telling me how great a job I'm doing, or that I'm "such an amazing mom." But, I wish they would understand that I mess up. We all do. I'm not perfect, not even close.

So, I thought I'd give you an example. This is example #1. Keep an eye on the blog for examples #2 through #407,429.

A few weeks ago, my daughter (9) was invited to go hiking with her uncle and cousins. She was thrilled. While she put on her "hiking clothes" (jeans and a t-shirt...she's definitely my daughter) I packed her a few snacks. Granola bar, apple, boiled eggs and a little bag of trail mix. She came in and thanked me for the food, but asked if she could not eat the dried cranberries I had put in the trail mix. I was immediately annoyed, thinking she just wanted to pick out the cashews and M&Ms.

"No, you need to eat it all."

"But, I don't like Craisins." she said quietly. "Can't I just eat the rest of it?"

"What do you mean you don't like Craisins?!" My annoyance was definitely evident in my tone. "Yes you do! You eat them all the time! You can't pretend you don't like something just to get out of eating it!"

At this point, my daughter looked as though she were fighting hard to keep the tears away. And again, in a quiet, calm voice she said, "I actually don't like Craisins though. The other kids do, but I don't. I like Raisins."

"No you don't!" I snapped. "You like Craisins, but NOT Raisins. That's why I always make yours with....."

Annnnd, that was the moment it hit me. She was right. I always made her trail mix with raisins. Not Craisins. The other three kids prefer the Craisins but she has never liked them. For 9 years I've been doing this for her, and in a span of two minutes I had managed to completely forget what she liked, borderline yell at her for arguing with me AND accuse her of changing her story just to get out of eating something she didn't want.

She stood in front of me, almost in tears, confused, and fighting emotions she shouldn't have had to deal with, all because I had lost it. I jumped to conclusions, I didn't listen when she tried to explain, and I raised my voice.

I was really impressed with her attitude. She wasn't complaining, or getting angry, or even acting frustrated by my lack of patience or refusal to really listen. She stayed calm, quiet and polite the entire time. Like I should have done.

As soon as I realized what I'd done, I apologized. I explained that I had been confused, but that it was no excuse for fussing at her that way or not letting her explain. She forgave me, hugged me, and then said something that made me want to write this all down. She smiled and said, "Mommy, thanks for saying you are sorry. You always tell us to do that when we are wrong, but I had never seen you do it before. Now it feels like what you told us before about not being a hypocrite. Now I know you are not one, since you apologized to me."

Wow. We had just discussed the word hypocrite in school that week and gone over some examples. The incident with her that day reminded me once again that children need to SEE YOU LIVING what you are telling them to do. You can talk all you want, but they will know if you are lying. They will pay attention to your actions, and they will pick up on the discrepancies in your stories. Kids are smart. Don't just preach at them. LIVE the lessons you want them to learn.

I had a wake up call that day, and I pray I don't forget it. Parents, I hope you all take three things from my story.

1. LISTEN to your children. Even if you are absolutely sure they are wrong about something, give them the chance to talk about it before you move on. We teach them to listen when others speak, show them the same courtesy.

2. Don't be a stinking hypocrite! Don't just "talk the talk" and move on. Walk the walk. SHOW them. Lead by EXAMPLE. And don't be afraid to apologize to them when you're wrong. Because, there will definitely be times you are wrong.

And 3. As much as I'd love to be taller, please stop putting me on a pedestal. I don't belong there. I'd much rather have your prayers than your praise.